


Dirge We Need To Talk

by Heiwako



Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Gen, Humor, Literature, fan fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-27
Updated: 2015-07-27
Packaged: 2018-04-11 15:05:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4440461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heiwako/pseuds/Heiwako
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dirge is really committed to his job. Maybe a little too committed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dirge We Need To Talk

**Author's Note:**

> Copyright Bethesda  
> Inspired by Skyrim Kink Meme  
> Comments appreciated.
> 
> Here's the original prompt: Every time I walk past Dirge, he makes some remark about me either being the guildmaster's kissass or to not make trouble. Despite me BEING the guildmaster. So how about Vekel (the guy who runs the Ragged Flagon) sitting the thief down and telling him that he's really gotta stop talking to the GM like that, cause it stopped being funny a while ago. Make it fluffy or funny or kinky, doesn't matter to me. I just think Dirge, for all his growling, needs a good talking-to.

Vekel was wiping down the counter to the bar to the Ragged Flagon while thinking about how nice it would be to go out to dinner with Tonilia after his shift ended. It had been a while since the two lovers had any time alone, and he thought it would be a good time to try to convince the lovely Redguard to let him make an honest woman out of her. Well, as honest of a woman one could make out of thief. 

"The last person that made trouble for Vekel ended up floating in the canal...catch my drift?" 

Vekel groaned when he heard the deep voice of his bouncer. There seemed to be only one person the Imperial ever said that to. Vekel looked up from his work and confirmed, to his horror that Dirge was indeed speaking to Meena, the Khajiit Dragonborn. Master of the Shout. Destroyer of Dragons. Thane of half of Skyrim. 

And the freaking GUILDMASTER OF THE THIEVES' GUILD. 

"Sure thing, buddy," Meena said good-naturedly as she passed the large bodyguard. She punched him on the arm playfully. "You keep doing what you're doing." 

"Stay outta trouble, or there's gonna be trouble," Dirge growled. 

"Yo, Vekel," Meena said as she placed her bulging bag on his counter. "Have you seen Tonilia? I've got some more merchandise for her." 

"She's back in the Cistern," Vekel mumbled, trying to not let the Guildmaster see his blush of shame. 

"Thanks, you're the Man," Meena winked while pointing a clawed finger at him. She started to turn away to find the local fence, and then changed her mind. "Look, I don't mind Dirge. He's kinda funny in a low brow sort of way. But, I thought we didn't kill people? Guild policy and all? Killing is for the Brotherhood, etcetera? You think maybe you could talk to him about toning it down?" 

"Of course, Guildmaster!" Vekel said. He mentally groaned in embarrassment that the situation. 

"Thanks! You're the best! I'm off," Meena turned away whistling "The Dragonborn Comes" as she walked to the secret entrance to the Cistern. 

As soon as their leader was gone, Vekel threw down his cleaning rag. "Dirge," he hissed, "get your big ass over here!" 

"Sup, boss," Dirge asked as he sauntered over to the bar. He plopped himself into a bar stool, seemingly unaware of Vekel's displeasure. "You need some heads smashed? Maybe that Khajiit's?" 

"No, Dirge," Vekel sighed. He pulled out a bottle of cheap ale and two cups. Alcohol always made anything go down smoother, and even if it didn't help with Dirge, then Vekel knew he needed a few swallows to get through this conversation without throttling Dirge. "Here, have a drink on me." 

"Thanks, boss!" Dirge said cheerfully as he knocked back his mug in one gulp. 

"Look, Dirge," Vekel steepled his hands, trying to decide how to proceed. "Who's in charge around here?" 

"You, boss," Dirge said smiling. 

Vekel tried to refrain from rolling his eyes. Dirge might be loyal to his bone, but he was also as stupid as a box of hair. "I don't mean just the Flagon, you doof, I mean the Guild. Who's in charge of the Thieves' Guild?" 

"Um, the Guildmaster?" Dirge said much like a slow student called in class after not paying attention. 

"Technically true, but I want you to be more specific," Vekel said. Maybe if he talked slower and louder Dirge would understand. 

"Mercer Frey!" Dirge exclaimed. 

"No, you moron, Mercer is gone. Don't you remember how last year he betrayed the whole Guild, stole all our money, and pissed of Nocturnal?" 

"Not really," Dirge admitted. "I might have been out sick that week." 

Vekel growled in frustration. He curled his hand tightly around the ale bottle and managed to resist the urge to crack if over his minion's head. "Well, it happened. So, we have a new Guildmaster now." 

"Oh, oh, I know! It's Brynjolf!" Dirge smiled broadly. 

"No, try again," Vekel said. He took a deep drink of his ale. If he ever needed liquid courage, it was now. 

"Um, Delvin?" 

"No." 

"Vex?" 

"No! It's Meena. You know, the one you somehow always manage to threaten every time she comes into the Flagon?" Vekel slammed down his mug, startling Dirge enough that he almost fell off his stool. "It was funny at first when she first showed up. I was unimpressed with Byrnjolf's protégé too, but the fact is she's in charge now. So you need to start showing her some respect before you get yourself and me booted out of the Guild!" 

"Um, Meena, Guildmaster," Dirge repeated. Vekel contemplated penning a note on Dirge's hand to remind him, but he suspected Dirge had not kept up with his reading lessons. 

"That's right! The Guildmaster gets the utmost respect, so we make sure she stays happy. No threatening the Guildmaster or any of her friends that she tends to bring down here either. Got it?" 

"Sure thing, boss!" Dirge snapped a smart salute. "Guildmaster, friends, treat them good. Anything else?" 

"No," Vekel shook his head. "Here, take the rest of the bottle and get back to duty." 

"You're the best, boss," Dirge smiled as he grabbed the bottle of ale and ambled back over to his post. 

A few minutes later, Meena emerged from the Cistern. Her bag was now completely empty and her coin pursed bulged and jingled in a way that made Vekel green with envy. 

"Night, guys," the Guildmaster said as she passed by. "Try to not get into too much trouble!" 

"Hey, Khajiit," Dirge said as Meena passed him. "I just had a real good talk with Vekel, and there's something I want to say to you." 

Vekel smiled. Maybe he had gotten through that thick head after all. 

Dirge crossed his arms and leaned in really close to the Khajiit so his face was inches from hers. "I don't care if you're best buddies with the Guild Master. I'll still smash in your skull if you try anything." 

Meena laughed merrily. She slapped Dirge companionably on the back. "Oh, Dirge, never change!" she said before skipping off. 

Vekel slammed his head against the counter. Then again, maybe not.


End file.
